October

It's October and I haven't written in awhile. It's so easy to let the time pass by when you're not paying attention. A day turns into a week, which turns into a month.  I'm writing though because I am feeling SO sad. I am overwhelmed with sadness and I just feel the need to write. Feel free not to read any further. Normally when I feel like this, I am pregnant. That is definitely not true now, so I will continue on my sad way.

We had a tragedy in our ward family this week. A 25 yr old boy killed himself. It breaks my heart. His parents are in our ward and are incredible people. He was living at home. I will spare the details, because they aren't important.  There are 2 important things here. 1.) Our mental health care in this country is worse than a third world country. How can a boy who is known to have a history of mental health issues be unable to get the care he needs? How can he feel so lonely while living with his parents who love him SO much? How did this happen? I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet. I want to yell at God because I don't know how He let it happen. The Dad has been cancer free for 6 months. We JUST rallied around this family. How did they wind up with another tragedy? WHY?! 2.) How does a family move on from this? How do you get out of bed? And take a shower? And care? How do you CARE?

I cried throughout Sacrament today. I couldn't help it.  The Dad came to Sacrament with 2 of his grown children. One is a freshman at Stanford. One is finishing a Masters at Harvard. They sat with their Dad and took Sacrament. At church. They sat in a pew. They do this every Sunday. But they DON'T! The son should have been in Nor Cal and the daughter should have been in Boston. The Dad should have had his arm around his amazing wife, like he does every single Sunday.  I watched that family for cues on how to behave. As though I can even imagine what it would be like. As though I could even ponder losing a child. And by his own choice. And at my house. No one should have to imagine it, but least of all a family that I love. I love them. They are a beautiful, talented, accomplished family. More importantly, they are kind and warm and loving. They embody all of the Christlike attributes that I strive to achieve. They are amazing. They inspire me. But I would be broken if I was them.

On Friday, after I found out, I couldn't wait to pick up my kids from school. We came home and I  read them stories and I told each one of them how much I love them.  After that, I sat on the couch and watched tv with them. I hate sitting on the couch and watching tv. I have 10,000 things to do. But I sat on the couch with them and watched a pointless tv show. After that, we made homemade pretzels together and ate them. I know! I ate carbs - call the press.  Then we drove to my friend's house and left a care package on their doorstep. I took my kids to the beach after that.  I needed to see the infinite ocean and see the sunset and feel God's great glory.

This is what I decided: I needed the reminder.  I am taking this personally because I needed the reminder that my kids need me to sit on the couch with them and take them to the beach. My kids need me to put down my phone and snuggle with them. Have tickle fights and play soccer.  They need it and I need it too because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I need to love my kids every minute and embrace their troubles and compliment them every chance I get. I cannot imagine losing one of them. I needed the reminder and I feel guilty that I got it, at their expense.