Long time, no write

Hi there!

I know it's been awhile since I wrote. Believe me, I've felt guilty enough about it. I missed writing about hunter's first birthday!

Let me fill you in on what my precious little man is doing.
He can say several words including: mama, dada, ball, balloon, La "light", bahhhg (sippy cup).
He can run. Not walk. Run. Haha. He is constantly on the move. It's one of my favorite things about him - I never know what our next adventure will be.

He loves animals. All animals. He used to hate small dogs and cry if he saw them (cats too) but he seems to have moved on from that stage. He can walk after a bird for as long as I will let him, or just stand and point. Eating outside has become a challenge because he'd rather watch the birds, leaves and flowers than eat. Eating at home has become a challenge because he'd rather feed our dogs than himself.

That being said, he is up to the 25th%ile for weight (20 lbs 14 ozs) at his 1 year appt! I am So proud of the little man. If you remember, he was falling in the percentiles and was almost down to the 10th. So, he does eat and I feel less stressed about it. Actually, I don't feel stressed at all. He is a very easy little man. He stayed in 60th %ile for height - coming in at 30.5 inches. His head circumference is 50th %ile. So, he's growing as he should.

We have had so many adventures lately. We went to the Long Beach Aquarium with our mommy n me class and to Uncle Jeff's medical school graduation and wedding. Now we are in Scottsdale, relaxing. Hunter also had a really bad stomach bug that he passed to me and I (accidentally) passed along to a bunch of mommy and babies in my playgroup. Hopefully I will not be exiled from the playgroup!

Jeff's graduation was a moment of ridiculous pride for me. In many ways I feel like a mom to him because I've always acted in a maternal way with him. I used to make his sandwiches and snacks when mom was busy. I'd always be sure he had what he needed or go get it for him - whether it was his favorite Nintendo game or a glass of water. Growing up, we were inseparable - especially with our friends Richie and TIffany. The four of us were a little group and when we fought or when we didn't, we always loved one another. Anyhow, I know that if my mom had been at the graduation she would have shed so many more tears than I did. Jeff made a speech, as president of his class, that made it apparent to everyone in the room that he was going to be a fantastic neurosurgeon. I am just so proud of him.

This weekend we went to his wedding to Holly. Jeff has dated a LOT of girls. I'm being generous when I say "a lot" because he's probably had over 100 girlfriends. Really. I haven't liked one. Not that they weren't good people, just that they weren't right for Jeff. Some were too conservative, too serious, too loose (a lot of those), too moody or tried to change who he was at the core. Holly loves my brother for the person he is. She complements him perfectly. And he adores her and puts her on a pedestal. Maybe it's because I know my brother so well, or maybe it's actually true, but I've never seen a couple so well-suited for one another. Of course, besides me and Brian. Their wedding was just beautiful and I am so happy for both of them.

Now, what I didn't mention in the above paragraphs is that I had to see my father for the first time in 6.5 years. It would be an understatement to say that I was "anxious". When we got to Reno for the graduation, Brian went downstairs and bought me cookies and Tums. How well does he know me? I ate all of the cookies - and all of them tums. It went better than I thought it would and I came to one conclusion. I am ok. Being around him makes me feel like an insecure little girl. It makes me feel like no one loves me - and why would they? I am completely unlovable. I think I left the graduation in a worse state of mind than when I got there. I felt that Holly's family must think I am a horrible person that my own father won't even speak to me. That he doesn't want me in his life. I held it together but I was very sad. By the time the wedding rolled around, I was feeling angry. I was angry for a number of reasons - none of which I care to detail here. I saw people who I had not seen in years - and I had no idea what they thought about me or what he had told them about me. Again, I felt insecure and scared. I felt like the little girl who kept being threatened that I would be sent to boarding school because we just couldn't live under the same roof together. And he paid the bills. So I had to go. Yes, as an 8, 10, 12 year old little girl - this is what I was told over and over again. BUT what I found at the wedding surprised me. Everyone was happy to see me. And they missed me. Some people were bold and brought up the situation. "Why is he acting this way towards you? He's making a mistake." "He's missing out on your life." "You only live once." Some people were even bolder: "I will talk to him - he needs to know that what he's doing is wrong." I was so thankful. I confessed to one couple - and old family friend - that i was nervous to see everyone because I didn't know what they had been told. He told me that my father just refuses to speak about me. He acts like I do not exist. My father's wife (who is a very kind, sweet, wonderful person) was just wonderful to me. She has tried talking to him over and over and over again. She suggested I just go up and apologize to him. That he misses me and talks about me once a week at least. That he is too stubborn to let down his guard, but he misses me.

I thought about it. I considered going up and apologizing him. Brian even suggested giving him a hug and telling him "I love you". What would he do? Make a scene at the end of my brother's wedding? I thought better of it. I thought and I thought and I thought. Then I had a dream about the situation. This is what I figured out: why should I apologize, again? I have tried to make contact numerous times. He has blocked my email address and doesn't respond to my letters. He didn't even care that I was pregnant with his grandson. While he smiled at me at the wedding and graduation, and held eye contact, he did not initiate a conversation. This shows me that he still lacks interest in me. And whether he loves me or not, he doesn't know how to show it or share it. And, most importantly, why am I the grown up? Why am I the one who is open to a relationship, willing to apologize and forgive and move on? Why aren't I acting like a hurt little girl who knows that her father disowned her, stopped her health insurance and told her that she was "dead to him"? I don't know why. I am willing to forgive and move on, but the next step has to come from him. I can't try anymore. I won't try anymore. I love my father and I wish him nothing but the best. I never meant to hurt him. I'm sorry my mother hurt him. She wasn't a good wife to him - but she was an excellent mother to me - I strive to be like her. It's not my responsibility to be upset with her for their relationship. When he can realize that and apologize to me, then there could be some common ground. Not until then. So the wedding was good for me because I finally feel closure. I feel like the wound that keeps being reopened is coming together. I am starting to heal.

Anyhow, I came to realize that I'm a grown up. In some ways. In most ways I still feel like a 10 year old girl who loves to be outside, roller-blading or playing with my friends. When I fall down, I'd love to turn to my mommy - but I am lucky to have my husband, brother, aunts and gramma instead.

I learned something very important about myself that probably seems obvious to most people who know me. I am a lover. I love deeply and I love fully, and once I love, I do not stop loving. It is a good trait, and a bad one because I allow myself to get hurt over and over again - but it allows me to have a full heart and to feel the kindness and goodness of those around me. This last weekend, I decided that I really like who I am. I love my life. I am happy to be me and so incredibly lucky to have all that I do.

Most importantly, I have this amazing bundle of joy who lights up my life. Hunter is my definition of love. With Hunter (and future babies) and Brian by my side, I know that I will always have all of the love and support that I need. With my extended family and great friends I know that I will always have a strong support system. I am glad I am me, even if it took a lot of bumps in the road to get here.