Bucket list

For my whole life, I have wanted to have children. Like many women plan their weddings as small girls, I planned my motherhood.  I planned how I would mother and how I would be alike or different from my own mom.  I never knew what I wanted to "do" with my life because being a mom felt like my life's calling.

When I met Brian, I had a vision of our family. I know how weird this sounds, I do.  I was 19 and I could picture, like a postcard, our family. We had 2 boys and then 2 girls.  I told Brian that we were going to have this arrangement and he agreed to 3 kids. Of course, he later agreed we could have 4.  Now I sit here, 7 months pregnant with our fourth baby, a little girl. In 2 months time we will have 2 boys and 2 girls.

I guess my reason for writing this is as follows: for my entire life I have looked forward to having kids.  I have thought about being pregnant, giving birth, nursing, being up all night with sick kids, disciplining them, doing homework, teaching them to ride their bikes and swim and loving them so strongly that they could never doubt how much I always wanted each one of them.  I hope my kids each feel SO genuinely loved and wanted that they never ever doubt that (even when they are teenagers and they hate me.) Being a mom is way more than I could have ever imagined it to be. I couldn't have anticipated the way I would love my kids - the depth of it. I could not have anticipated how mad they could make me or how they could cheer me up when I am blue. These little people make my life worthwhile. Suffice it to say, I feel that my life goal is being fulfilled. I am on my way.

BUT. Yes, a big big but. I've planned up until this point.  There has never been a point in my life when I haven't wanted another kid.  When I gave birth to Hunter, the first thing I asked the doctor was when I could get pregnant again.  When I had Aspen and we weren't sure we were going to have another one, I was broken hearted. All I wanted was the fourth child I had seen in my vision when I was 19.  But now I'm pregnant with our last baby. To say I'm happy would be an understatement. I'm over the moon. I love feeling her move, getting stuff ready in our house and anticipating her arrival.  I'm even a weirdo who loves giving birth (without medicine) and I cannot wait for that experience either.  Still and yet, I am 32 and my life dream was to have kids.  I will be done at 32. I will have done it. Yay me.

Now what? That's the question I find myself asking. What do we do next? We raise these kids. That's fun. It is really really fun. But I've always been waiting to get pregnant and then waiting for the baby. I need something to look forward to. Something to dream about. I need another life's goal.  Raising my kids and loving them and molding them into spectacular human beings is hard work. What can I look forward to?

So, I've asked Brian for the places he most wants to travel in his lifetime.  I have a list and it isn't as long as you might think.  I've spent some time on this glorious vacation organizing all of the places we want to go and the best times of the year to go there.  I want to go to all 7 continents. I want to go to Antartica so badly, I can taste it. I want to ski the Swiss Alps, tour Italy and France and hike Machu Picchu. I want to go to the Galapagos on a cruise. I want to see the Great Wall of China , the Taj Mahal (and tiger safari) in India, go diving in the Maldives and see mountain gorillas in Uganda. A cruise around the Greek Isles sounds crazy romantic, as does seeing the polar bears in Cape Churchill, Canada. I want to tour Australia, visiting the 12 apostles and ski in Patagonia/ visit Iguazu Falls. Thailand sounds intriguing, as do the beautiful Seychelles Islands. I have other hopes and dreams too. I want to take tons of cooking classes, and I want to learn how to make pottery/ceramics. I would LOVE to take all of my kids out of school for a year and travel around Europe so they can actually LEARN (and care about) European history. I want to see as many of the Mormon Temples as I can.

Now I have something else to look forward to, I guess. I mean, I am really excited about watching my kids grow and thrive and change. I'm excited to see what they love and in what areas they excel. But I'm excited to see how Brian and I grow and thrive and change. I'm excited to have goals and desires that I share with Brian, separate from the kids. I've seen so many families get divorced because the parents' lives revolved around the kids and when the kids left home there was no marriage left. So far this is my list. What are you looking forward to in your 30s and 40s?