Being a mom

I have lots of thoughts on being a mom. You may or may not be interested, so if you're not just go ahead and disregard this. I mostly keep this blog for my kids anyways. A record of their childhood and my thoughts on being their mom. I hope it helps them. I hope they appreciate all the fun things that we do. I hope they see how much I love them.

Anyhow, this past week we went on a Disney cruise (pictures to follow).  It's fun, the cruise. It's very busy. We go with friends (the Paternas) and they have 2 kids too.  We spend a lot of time together every day just the adults.  We put the kids in the kid's club, which they love.  Sometimes.  Sometimes they just want to hang out with us. I gently remind them that this is our vacation too.  I spent 2 hours standing at the bottom of the yellow slide so I could cheer when you came out. I also watched 75 other children come down 47 times. It is mind-numbing. So, I love to watch you come out, but not for 2 hours.  After I have done my time standing at the bottom of the slide, helping the baby crawl around the splash pad (which she loooooves) and watching them play in the shallow pool, I kind of want to have a relaxing lunch with my friends. You understand, right? So, I love you but I need a break from you.  I want to eat hot food and drink cold drinks and talk to my friends about our vacations and other fun and important topics that would bore you.  So you go play in the kid's club and we will do something fun when I pick you up.

However, once you're gone, I miss you. I worry that people aren't being nice to you and that you're too tired to play in the kid's club. I worry that you have had enough to eat and that they are serving you enough food - and that it's food that you like. I worry about the baby that she had enough milk and that she is going to have a good enough nap. I worry that she just might need a mommy snuggle, and I won't be there to give it to her. The staff in the nursery is top notch. I trust them immensely....but they're not me.  I worry about you and I spend my time with my friends wondering if you're doing okay. Especially one of you.  One of you has a harder time with social situations and I wonder if you're okay or if you're overwhelmed and would rather be alone.

It was really in missing the baby that I came to my biggest realization. With Hunter, my first baby, I remember being so put out by him. I remember longing for alone time and resenting that a little dictator told me when I ate, showered, and slept. I remember crying that I just didn't want to be touched. "Just stop touching me!" I remember being turned off to anyone touching me. No hugging. No kissing. Just leave me be! It took a long time for me to adjust. My life was no longer mine. My body was no longer mine. My heart was swollen with love for this little person who I sometimes resented. Guess how that made me feel? Guilty. And terrible. I must be an awful mom that I don't love snuggling my baby all the time. And the boredom of watching him crawl around and explore the room. It was lonely.  Being a mom is REALLY lonely sometimes. Most of the time. You spend the entire day meeting the needs of someone who can't even say "Thank you." When they are old enough to say it, they usually don't and I feel taken for granted. Worthless. Useless.  Sometimes I want to scream "I have my Ph.D.!!! I AM SMART! I could be DOING something with my life."

But sometimes I have quiet moments where I remember that I chose this. I could have gone into a big time career. I could have been a professor or done something in the industry. I CHOSE to have kids. I chose to have 4 kids, and then I chose to raise them myself. I chose to be here to wipe their tears and kiss their booboos. I want to hear their thoughts and know what they learned in school that day. I want to hear who they played with on the playground and which sport they played. I really really want that.

You know what else I realized? I love being touched. I think it's because Maisy is my fourth and final, but it has taken me this long to realize it. I love watching her explore. I love nursing her. I could sit in a room and watch her discover every last thing in it. I appreciate her phase. I'm not rushing her to the next one. I'm not in a hurry for her to walk or talk or anything of the sort. I love her right where she is. I love that she wants to sit in my lap all the time and that she looks for me every 90 seconds. I love  everything about her and her sweet little phases.  I love her smell and her skin and her little giggle. I love that her face lights up when she sees me and I love that she waves when anyone says the word "hi." I adore this little person, maybe even more than I adored the first 3.  And I REALLY love my little people, but I didn't really get to appreciate it. Now I am appreciating every last minute. I wish I could tell all first time moms to hold onto the seconds and the minutes.  Newborns are newborns for all of 10 seconds. Before long they are sitting and demanding food in addition to their milk. Then they're crawling and babbling and walking and talking. Soon, you turn around and they are in 1st grade and equally as interested in playing Light Bike on the iPad as in snuggling on the couch. I'm holding on tight to these next few years, before I am truly deemed worthless by these little people who will "know more" than I do and who are too busy to sit on my lap and watch Clifford.  Right now it might feel somewhat mind-numbing and a little boring. Right now I might wonder aloud how many times I can clean up the same mess or say the same exact thing "dirty clothes go in the hamper" "don't hit your sister" "use kind words" etc etc etc. So not only have I learned to appreciate the baby and her phases, but I am appreciating my big kids too. I'm trying to love and appreciate my 6yr old and my 5 yr old and my 3 yr old. I'm trying to envelop their strengths and weaknesses with love and understanding. I'm not always great at it, but at the end of the day I hope they feel my love, stronger than any of the other forces on this Earth.

I heard a quote once - "The days are long but the years are short." - and I am feeling that very much. Maybe it's because Maisy is almost 1 and I will never again have a newborn, or maybe it's because I have FINALLY learned the lesson. It's taken me 4 kids. I hope other people are faster studies than I am. Kids are really amazing. Appreciate the moments.  Oh yea, and at the end of the day, I'm glad I chose this.  I can't imagine doing anything else.